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Posted on 2012.09.01 at 20:07

So I am up at my dads house and I swear I am in so much pain and I don't know why but my dad doesn't understand or want to listen tells me to hurry my ass up when I can't get down the stairs fast enough. Sometimes I feel rushed. And then I am disabled so he treats me like I am retarded sometimes or cracks jokes which aren't funny.  I can work part time through vocational rehab but that's not good enough for him. When I tell him I can't do something because of my knees or neck he tells me to stop being a baby or to stop whining.  I am doing the best I can I live on my own. I am employed. And because I almost died from a suicide attempt, he told me quit doing that I almost had a heart attack. I know it hurts everybody you care about. But at the time I had a boss who was so abusive she brought me down to nothing. I was sorry I did it but I am kinda glad I almost gave my dad a heart attack. because out of all people the physical and mental abuse started with him first.  He was so abusive. But now this is over I am still getting shit and people wonder why you don't recover.

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I hit my head... it's not fair I can't sleep..

Posted on 2012.07.07 at 04:40
Current Mood: amusedamused
I hate, this lack of schedule I have.  Ever since, I sustained a concussion, I have what they call post concussion syndrome.  My memory is lacking, and I have trouble recalling simple vocabulary words. I used to be quite a word smith.  It is not fair.  I have trouble falling asleep, and I hear ringing in my ears. I also get very dizzy sometimes.  I reiterate that I have lost IQ points and they are not coming back to me.  Ha ha.
I road my bike for the first time in two or three months.  It was fun, and it was only 12 miles.  I went about 15 mph hour.  This falling asleep and trouble sleeping is killing me.  And then in the day and it will be evening I will feel really fatigued.  I just think I need a cup of coffee. 

My doctor raised my Zoloft.  It's only one day so only time will tell. I  don't want to take that prazosin anymore.  I am afraid of getting a concussion again.  The others warn not to take it again.  They say I was too dizzy taking it just standing there sitting and walking.  It's too much of a risk for me to take something like that.  If someone wants to know what Prazosin is, it's a blood pressure med, but it is not used for my case, since my blood pressure is extremely low, I have a pulse of 47 and bp of 100/60.  When I took it, my bp was 80/50 I was literally dead. 

I don't want to hit my head again. Anyways it's used for trauma nightmares, and I have them a lot. I can survive with them, I think my S/O helps a lot when he sleeps there with me and hold me tight.  Then I'm able say everything is alright.

I guess it worked before, because I was oh about 100 lbs overweight and now I'm only 25 lbs overweight. I had semi high bp.  It worked then, it worked miracles.  Right now though, it's not for me. I think valium and zoloft do good for my DID and PTSD.  I am able to stay present and focus on just the present.  I am able to enjoy friendships.  Anyway I paint job for a biplane.  Looks cool.  I think it will be unique. 


Writer's Block: And the Winner is...

Posted on 2012.07.02 at 04:03
Current Mood: accomplishedaccomplished
Tags: ,
If you were to break the record for something, what would it be and why?

Boss from hell?

Posted on 2012.06.15 at 16:16
So I've been working on a project for a long time with this person, she is a good friend, and a horrendous boss.  I have to wait when she needs me to do something.  So sometimes I am down here for hours at a time and really nothing gets done.  It's a book that needs to be published, but it has to go her way or the highway.  And I am disabled, and have a mental condition, spine condition etc.  And now I have a brain injury, that doesn't seem to get better.  I don't know what is going on.  Either way, I'm not getting rest I need, and she is getting her way. It's always like this, and then I go away for a few months find a part time job that I think will be permanent, and then it doesn't end up being permanent because someone in the government signs a bill, even though it's been proven to work, and I've changed peoples lives.  At least people have told me that. 

Anyway, enough of that I'm just tired and I need to vent, and this is the way I do it on a pathetic journal, online, which gets scarce views.  It's better that way.  

I guess it's time for another time out. 

Writer's Block: Home Sweet Home

Posted on 2012.05.03 at 01:46
Where do you live? Be as general or specific as you would like. What do you like most about living there (or why do you hate it and wish you lived somewhere else)?

Writer's Block: Every Four Years

Posted on 2012.02.29 at 14:17
Current Mood: angryangry
By going to court to try to get a protection order lifted from my Boyfriend whom I love so very much.  We have found that he attacked me from having seizures. But he doesn't have proof that is what we are waiting for with the courts. I did not know this why he was acting so strangely that night, but he had been suffering for months and I did tell him to get a neurologist.  

We are just waiting on paperwork on his Shrink and his therapist.  And I think it's bullshit. Because I believe he is not a threat.  Now that he is on meds to control those seizures he is fine.  But I went to court for nothing.  And basically that lady slapped me in the face with to call back March 20th to have it lifted only a little.  Seriously, I am the victim here, and the State of CT has control.  I want to write to the State Commissioners Office about this bureaucracy going on at family violence services. I have no rights to advocate that I don't want this man punished for what he did.  This is why they are punishing me.  Who is to say that if he dumps me, he will go out with another woman, which he won't, but lets say he does, and hit the fuck out her, which he won't, because he was not in control at the time he did what he did?  They are just going to punish him more and just stick another protective order.  It's just ridiculous and it's only a feel good law for them these protective orders for the victims.  I can see if the victim actually needs and wants it.  Yes I can totally see that.  

Most of the time Victims are not pressured and people that I have spoken to outside that family violence class are going through hell, because the other side, spouse or husband is hold their kids or house or whatever under them as a weapon.  They aren't able to see them.  Now ask me this who is this helping?  Not the victims, yes it gives them a lot of vindictive power, but I thought these classes were supposed to help the person who did the act of violence? 

And I do not think they are.  Not when they have all this background crap going on.  I think if they had the protection order lifted and the spouse supported them in ways like I do with my boyfriend, then maybe it would be better.  It's just bullshit.  Utter bullshit. 
How are you celebrating Leap Day?

Writer's Block: Weatherman’s Day

Posted on 2012.02.26 at 02:05
Winds are blowing at about 60 miles an hour.  It sucks it's hailing, snowing and all of the above. It's below zero out.  For some of you that love snow and storms and all of that, can you switch places with me,because it's making me sick because I have a migraine.
What is the weather like right now?

Writer's Block: Star Trek

Posted on 2012.02.23 at 21:51
I would probably go to the one that is 600 light years away and is earth like to find out if there is really another planet out there capable of sustaining life. Or I would just want to populate the moon, just the moon, because you can bounce really high!! 
If you could visit anywhere in the solar system, where would it be?

Writer's Block: Tossing and Turning

Posted on 2012.02.15 at 13:33
Oh god that would be last night.  I was with my therapist because the state had gone after me because I was pregnant with child.  Yeah that's strange.  And the state said that I have to switch to their stupid incompetent therapist through a big mental health inc. to monitor my behavior or they will take the child away from me when it is born.  It was the weirdest dream.  I like my therapist.  I have been to these big mental health factories and they only fuck you up more.   But this dream was just weird!! I can't imagine the state even doing that not even because of my problems with my mental health.  I am fine around children and I have god children and two nieces and never put them in jeopardy.  

I love to interpret dreams and their meanings, I have this dream dictionary and often it's correct.  
Tell us your weirdest dream.

Writer's Block: Human Nature

Posted on 2012.02.07 at 09:51
The knowledge we have is never enough.  We must exploit and exploit and greed over greed sometimes to go places, with out any regard for people or nature.  I think that is our worst quality.  Our best quality is that we are social creatures and in gigantic disasters we can form masses and survive the odds.  That is our greatest quality and probably kept us alive so many years.  
What is the best and worst quality about mankind?

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